A Pain in the Ass
by TomColins
Summary: Bones and Booth investigate an unidentified body and an unusual assault.
1. Part 1

A Pain in the Ass, Part 1

_Bones and Booth are arriving at what first appears to be a burglary scene- A bookcase has been knocked over, the back yard window is broken and objects have been scattered around the room and on the floor. Other investigators are already at the scene taking photographs, dusting for fingerprints and collecting evidence._

**BOOTH  
**The owner hasn't been seen or heard from in five days. Since he hadn't been showing up to work, a couple of his coworkers said they came to check up on him this morning and found the house like this.

**INVESTIGATOR  
**There was a body found in the bathroom.

_Opening credits roll._

**INVESTIGATOR  
**The body didn't belong to the owner of the house. It's already been taken down for identification and autopsy.

**BOOTH  
**Any idea what killed him?

**INVESTIGATOR  
**No, the cause of death was not apparent. There were no visible wounds or signs of trauma.

_Booth lights his pipe and starts searching the living room for clues with his magnifying glass. Another investigator pulls back the sofa and motions them over. Bones and Booth look behind the sofa and see a large dark stain on the carpet. Bones cuts out a few carpet fibers and places them into a small vial along with a pink liquid._

**BONES  
**I'm using phenolphthalein. It's a chemical indicator that will tell us if it's blood.

**BOOTH  
**I know that. You don't have to explain everything me.

**BONES  
**I'm not explaining it to you, Booth. I'm explaining it to _them._

_Bones motions to the camera behind Booth. Booth turns around to look. Booth's cell phone rings and he steps away to answer. Bones watches the solution as it turns from pink to clear. She gets on her hands and knees and smells the stain. Then she looks up at the other investigator._

**BONES  
**Cherry limeade.

**BOOTH  
**They found him. He was rushed to the emergency room last night.

_The scene cuts to the hospital where Booth and Bones are talking to a doctor._

**DOCTOR  
**I'm afraid you'll have to wait. Mr. Thormund just went into surgery. Highly unusual. They're attempting to remove a pineapple which evidently was forcefully inserted into his lower large intestine.

**BOOTH  
**You mean… He had a pineapple shoved up his bunghole?

**BONES  
**Rectum.

**DOCTOR  
**Rectum? Damn near killed him! He's suffering internal bleeding and intestinal blockage.

**BOOTH  
**How did he get to the emergency room?

**DOCTOR  
**The park police found him last night near the Washington Monument and called an ambulance. I'm afraid that's all I know right now. You can speak to Mr. Thormund when he's recovered from the anesthesia- if he makes it. I'll call you if I find out anything new.

_The scene cuts to Bone and Booth who are now back at the Jeffersonian with the rest of the team._

**BLACK CHICK  
**We've ID'ed the victim. His fingerprints were in the database. William Hughes from Austin, Texas. We did background checks on both him and the owner of the house. Up until now, they've never even been in the same state. We searched their e-mail, myspace, internet activity, phone call logs. We can't find any connection at all between these guys.

**WHITE AFRO GUY  
**I've analyzed the mud on the victim's shoes. The levels of boron and phosphorus are signature of a type of soil only found in the DC area.

**BOOTH  
**Well that means he must have been in Washington then! Case frickin closed! Thanks a lot, Sherlock!

_Booth picks up a microscope and throws it at White Afro Guy, narrowly missing his head. White Afro Guy looks angrily at Booth for a second before leaving the room._

**BOOTH  
**Man, what a useless guy to have on the team. At least tell me you've determined the cause of death.

**BLACK CHICK  
**Medically, he was completely healthy. For reasons I can't explain, he died. I don't know why. He seems to have lost the will to live.

**BOOTH  
**Great.

_Booth opens a jar, grabs a handful of gel and puts it in his hair. He storms out the door with Bones following him._

_The next scene shows Bones and Booth back at the crime scene talking to a police officer._

**OFFICER  
**We've spoken with all of the neighbors. Nobody has seen or heard anything. They said Ray is extremely reclusive, so we have no idea when he disappeared.

_Bones and Booth go into the house to search for clues._

**BOOTH  
**Bones, nothing here is making any sense and we have no clues.

**BONES  
**Don't worry. We'll get a lead.

_The officer enters the house._

**OFFICER  
**Good news. A lost wallet was turned into the station. It belonged to the dead guy.

_At the police station, Booth picks up the wallet, opens it, and takes out two tickets._

**BOOTH  
**"Fruit Play." What is that?

**OFFICER  
**Oh, well that was that fruit fetish convention that was in town a few days ago.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

_Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of Bones!_


	2. Part 2

_Last time on Bones:_

**DOCTOR  
**Rectum? Damn near killed him!

**BLACK CHICK  
**Medically, he was completely healthy.

**BOOTH  
**"Fruit Play." What is that?

A Pain in the Ass, Part 2

_Bones points to one of the x-rays of the victim._

**BONES  
**What is this?

**BLACK CHICK  
**It's a metal brace that was put in his chest after he shattered one of his ribs six years ago in a jousting accident.

**BOOTH  
**Wait. How did we get back to the Jeffersonian?

**INSANE GRAD STUDENT  
**Please don't concern yourself with such minutia as story continuity.

**BONES  
**Hmm… Do you know Faraday's law of induction?

**BOOTH  
**Of course I do… But I think you should explain it to our friends at home.

**BONES  
**When an electrically conductive object-

**BOOTH  
**You mean like the metal rod in the guy's chest?

**BONES  
**…moves through a magnetic field, it builds up an electric voltage.

**BOOTH  
**Sure, which is why airplane wings have those little lightning rods on them.

**BONES  
**As little as fifteen milliamps applied directly to the heart for half a second can kill a healthy adult. The rod is about 5 centimeters long, it takes ten minutes to hard boil an egg, the strongest magnetic field is about twelve thousand Gauss… Carry the two… He'd have to have been going over 35 miles per hour.

**BLACK CHICK  
**But where do you get a twelve thousand Gauss magnetic field?

**BOOTH  
**You mean- He was attacked by Magneto!

**BONES  
**Come on, let's go!

_The team starts to run off, but Booth stops White Afro Guy._

**BOOTH  
**Look White Afro Guy, we don't want you to come with this time. You're the most useless member of the team and nobody really likes you.

**WHITE AFRO GUY  
**Screw you. I'm rich, bitch!

_With Bones leading, Booth and the rest of the team slide down the fireman's pole and jump into the van. The tires squeal as the van races out of the garage and to the Marriott Hotel convention center in downtown Washington DC, where the Fruit Play convention is winding down._

**BONES  
**Let's split up, gang. Booth and I will search the main floor. Grad Student, you and Half Asian Girl take the smaller side rooms.

**SHAGGY  
**I guess it's up to us to scope out the buffet, eh Scoob?

_Bones and Booth walk into the main convention room and in the center come across a large white cylindrical object nearly 3 meters in diameter. Bones walks around it and then looks inside._

**BOOTH  
**What is it, Bones?

**BONES  
**It looks like an MRI scanner… That's been converted to a rail gun!

_Cut to commercial._

**BONES  
**That's been converted to a rail gun!

_Booth gasps in shock._

**BOOTH  
**What's a rail gun?

**BONES  
**It's a magnetically powered device capable of accelerating objects to high speeds.

**BOOTH  
**I think it's time we pay Mr. Ray Thormund a little visit.

_Bones and Booth jump on their Segways and ride down to the hospital._

**FRONT DESK RECEPTIONIST  
**I'm sorry. Visiting hours are from nine A.M. to four P.M. Only immediate family is allowed to see him now.

_The next day at nine o'clock, Bones and Booth are in Ray Thormund's hospital room. Booth is wearing a black t-shirt with white lettering that says, "FBI Female Body Inspector"._

**BOOTH  
**You've been missing work because you were at a week long cucumber orgy. You met William Hughes, who wanted to be launched from the rail gun into a giant pool of Jamba Juice. He missed the pool and fell into the safety net. When you retrieved him, he was dead. You panicked, so you and another conventioneer brought him back to your house. You had lost your keys, so he broke the back window. You wanted him to pay for it, you started fighting and then he assaulted you with the pineapple. He ran off, you started chasing him and you lost consciousness near the Washington Monument.

**BONES  
**Wow. How did you figure that out?

**RAY  
**I swear I didn't murder Willy. I don't know how he died.

**BONES  
**He had a metal brace on his ribcage. The magnetic field in the rail gun caused an electrical discharge on his heart which induced ventricular fibrillation and cardiac arrest.

**BOOTH  
**Yeah, it also killed him.

**RAY  
**Oh man. I'm probably in trouble, huh?

**BOOTH  
**Well, you've learned your lesson and we think you've already suffered enough. So we'll let you go this time.

_A doctor enters the room, washes up and puts on a pair of elbow length gloves._

**DOCTOR  
**Excuse me. I need to perform a brief rectal examination to make sure your colon is healing properly.

**RAY  
**Well, I'll be seeing you then. Thank you for your help. Now, as they say, I've got a sleeve up my ace.

**THE END**

_Once again, the day is saved. But more danger and adventure lie ahead in the next thrilling episode of Bones!_

The characters and events in this story are fictitious. Any resemblance to any persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.


End file.
